still trying to figure this blog thing out

been thinking about writing and this blog.  i think a lot and have much to say, but i can't seem to lay the words linearly.  i'm doing nothing and so much at the same time.  what is the difference as long as i am confident in every action i make?

i am really easing into my non-conventional job.   i am also starting to find things to be stressed about, like, the thought of wasting time.  i think this is a normal feeling in a fast-paced city.  i remember when cities used to be the haven i thought i could mange myself in.  turns out i loved convenience, but never took advantage of it.  now a days, i feel i am burdened with the over-abundance of convenience.  it's all around us in a fight club, single-serving-way. and now that i am aware of it's oppressing presence, i just want out.
Boyfriend and i are trying to save as much cash with our non-conventional hours, while trying to get into the idea of relaxing.  breathing.  living.  that doesn't necessarily mean to go out every night and get wasted until the wee hours of the dawn, but sitting around and reading or knitting or listening to the latest Richard Dolan interview or pirating that show everyone keeps bugging me about.  and not making any of it a big deal.  i think that is the hardest part to fulfill.  we want to stack out time slots just out of pure conditioning.  we didn't see it all around us, we ones between 25 and 45.  and now, even our rebellious choices have all lead us down this path of materials and insecurities.  i say we because i believe every thought one has is not original.  there has to be someone else out there who has the same variation of thought and if that one person has that thought then i have a good feeling in my gut there is a statistic out there that i don't care to much about to proceed any further.
like i said, i am not trying to be preachy.  i am just trying to straighten my thoughts out on different mediums.
i have also been thinking about drawing again.  sounds so juvenile compared to an artist who made the choice to pursue illustrations.  so i'll say doodles.  it's kinda cute and hopefully not too pretentious.  i do live in san francisco, so you never know what curriculums will adopt the term from hipster's on the fly.  like the whole toast thing.  i won't explain it, you can either guess with a smirk and an eye-roll, or you can look it up on the nets.  so, doodling.  i doodled all the time in high school and into college.  i'd get paper's back with a sharp criticism for content and a smiley next to my doodle.  i don't think i have ADHD or anything, though all my "symptoms" may prove otherwise.  i just think the root of the scatter in my brain has got to be no discipline with finishing a project with pride and no guidance and encouragement in all the things i was interested in.  not that i wanted a staff of school teachers to help me figure things out.  i thought i was quite content in my bell jar.  now, years later, i find myself reaching for these simple pleasures i blamed life from taking from me.  now, that i am my own agent, i realize all the time surrounding us.  scary leaps out of my comfort zone.  my bubble.  everyone has one.  and now, life moves on like after a funeral.  and it's not the end.  and it's a battle.
i guess, since i starting thinking about doodling during that tangent, i will finally do so... unless i write a story...because i need to get back to what has always made me happy.  i should try to make a few more of those faerywings i made last year and busk them at faeryworlds.  shouldn't cost me much since i scavenge materials and i'll sell them affordable.
now that i have all this time, i find myself sitting around trying to decide on what to do.  it is getting easier, i mean, i'm here, right?

doing what I should have been doing all along

i have been needing to write.  for years.  i have been wanting and needing to express myself, but never realising that i had been doing this very thing my entire life.

life is a stage and sometimes i'm real good at it and sometimes i'm a complete lemon.

i think my problem with starting to write or doodle or paint or glue or knit or sew is the fact that i want to start AND finish something all in one swoop!  i have patience, but no guidance.  this was common in my upbringing.

the best part about turning 30ish is the admitting of my insecurities.  not just admitting insecurities, but not feeling ashamed about the ones i really want to embrace, believing these traits were not enjoyed upon the masses i was obviously trying to win over.  another thing to admit while realising this was i wasn't trying to win over my peers.  i was always trying to win my family.

but this isn't about my family or who i call or consider friends.  this is about life right now.  using tools and lessons from my past to vitalize my future.

this is also about writing down everything.  i feel younger than ever and i want to share as much as i can without being too preachy.

i may write a couple times a day or long blogs once a week.  i don't know.  i want to write something once a day--so this will be my first goal.